[Insert Sappy Vampire Title Here]

I’ve read the Twilight series. Correction—I’ve skimmed the Twilight series. Just enough to understand the story and wonder if the author had an editor…or spell check. It’s not that it isn’t a fantastic idea but the whole “I’m sooooo in love with him cus he’s sooooo totally hot, LOL” deal, well it’s not really for me.

Since the boom of vampire-crazy teenage girls I have noticed a worrisome change in reading options. Libraries all over the country have begun to designate sections solely to vampires.

Story Line Option 1: Girl falls in love with vampire. Should he kill her or will he love her back? Blah, blah, blah. Shoot me in the face.

Story Line Option 2: Girl wakes up a vampire. Oh no! Now all she wants is blood. She runs amuck kicking butt and sucking people dry. Until…she falls in love and discards blood once and for all. Bleh!

I blame SM for the crisis that has befallen our beloved literature. And to right the aforementioned crisis I am writing my own vampire book. I understand none of you have enough time to go to the library, locate designated vampire section, and then read the whole book so I have, kindly abridged it here.

[Insert sappy title here—something about midnight, a silver moon, blood, and love]

Girl sees boy. He’s dreamy. Although really, really white. Oh well, still sooo totally fab looking. Maybe he should think of tanning? Why is he so white? But dang he is just gorg.

Boy sees girl. She looks pretty…He walks towards her. Slowly. Their eyes meet. She holds her breath the way all girls do when a cute boy is around. She stumbles out a hello. He smiles. Then kills her and sucks her blood. She did look pretty…pretty much just like a delish steak.

The end.

If you don’t like that ending then you are in luck. This is a Choose Your Own Adventure.

Alternate Ending: Vampires don’t exist.

Side Note: I don’t mean to hate on fantasy literature. It is actually my favorite genre. When it is well written and has a point. Unfortunately, I do not count some girl drooling over some boy as a plot.

Fish Sticks for the Hippies

I’m not a member of PETA (Secret—I had to look up the correct acronym spelling) but I am a big fan of the Earth, and animals, and trees. For example, I love getting caught in thunderstorms. The smell of rich, dark earth stops my feet and I can’t help but exist within the moment. Stilled and trapped. Until of course it begins to hail. No one likes rain that much.

Newport Beach Dock—There are tons of fishermen. They toss the line out and within 10 seconds pull it back with three fish. Hooked. I’m pretty sure fish sticks are bigger than these fish. My curiosity is going crazy. These people have coolers full of nugget-sized fish. What do they do with them? I ask the nearest fishermen. Possible mistake. He doesn’t speak much English and I’m being generous with that assessment. The following conversation ensues—

What do you do with all of these fish? Do you eat them? Are they for bait?

No. Just catch.

You don’t use them for anything? At all? Not even for catching bigger fish?

No.

(I think it was at this point I may have “accidentally” switched to attacking. Poor man.)

So…why are you catching them? Why don’t you throw them back? You don’t even eat them? Are you kidding? Do you know how many fish you have?

(I’m going to guess this is the point where he decided lying would be the best way to get rid of the “crazy girl who cares about the fish”.)

Oh no, no we eat them.

How do you cook them?

Cook?

Yea. How do you cook them? Do you fry them? Filet them? What spices do you use?

Oh uh well we filet them. You know and use…(at this point I saw a seal. Considered tossing a fish to the creature. Decided against stealing. Honestly though I just can’t throw that far.) I smile and say bye.

Utah’s Free Fishing Day—June 4. I’m excited. I’m gonna be ticked if all I catch is Fish Bites. After all, I didn’t write down his recipe.