I’ve read the Twilight series. Correction—I’ve skimmed the Twilight series. Just enough to understand the story and wonder if the author had an editor…or spell check. It’s not that it isn’t a fantastic idea but the whole “I’m sooooo in love with him cus he’s sooooo totally hot, LOL” deal, well it’s not really for me.
Since the boom of vampire-crazy teenage girls I have noticed a worrisome change in reading options. Libraries all over the country have begun to designate sections solely to vampires.
Story Line Option 1: Girl falls in love with vampire. Should he kill her or will he love her back? Blah, blah, blah. Shoot me in the face.
Story Line Option 2: Girl wakes up a vampire. Oh no! Now all she wants is blood. She runs amuck kicking butt and sucking people dry. Until…she falls in love and discards blood once and for all. Bleh!
I blame SM for the crisis that has befallen our beloved literature. And to right the aforementioned crisis I am writing my own vampire book. I understand none of you have enough time to go to the library, locate designated vampire section, and then read the whole book so I have, kindly abridged it here.
[Insert sappy title here—something about midnight, a silver moon, blood, and love]
Girl sees boy. He’s dreamy. Although really, really white. Oh well, still sooo totally fab looking. Maybe he should think of tanning? Why is he so white? But dang he is just gorg.
Boy sees girl. She looks pretty…He walks towards her. Slowly. Their eyes meet. She holds her breath the way all girls do when a cute boy is around. She stumbles out a hello. He smiles. Then kills her and sucks her blood. She did look pretty…pretty much just like a delish steak.
The end.
If you don’t like that ending then you are in luck. This is a Choose Your Own Adventure.
Alternate Ending: Vampires don’t exist.
Side Note: I don’t mean to hate on fantasy literature. It is actually my favorite genre. When it is well written and has a point. Unfortunately, I do not count some girl drooling over some boy as a plot.
Read "Undead and Unwed." Hilarious vampire story about a girl named Betsy who "wakes up" as a vampire and rather than kill people she worries about the shoes she is wearing. "Blurg, these are so last season. Can I still get highlights if I'm dead?" Also, she says the f-word all the time. my kind of vampire story.
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