Dating Extraordinaire

Knowing I wouldn’t survive a return to Purevolume and since Limewire is no longer with us (RIP) if given the choice between Pandora and Facebook I would choose Pandora. My one and only complaint with the musical mastermind is the complete oddity of the ads. Seriously who is going to buy a $5.00 t-shirt because according to the ad “it is more cowboy-esque then a cowboy hat and some boots”? Utter nonsense.

Recently I heard a new one--featuring 250 free business cards from Vista Print. Sounds pretty normal, right? I agreed until I heard the sleek voiced VP man describe the many different ways to use said business cards, including as dating cards.

Now maybe in classier places the men folk give out cards to the women but in my world (granted a much smaller and somewhat normal world) the men simply ask for your number. So Vista Print, I ask, what is the motivation to create these cards? Are you targeting the timid and shy amongst our male population that struggle to grow a pair? Is it possible that these dating cards highlight a slew of great skills to lure women into dating the card giver? He gets your number and you get a 3.5 X 2 reason to answer the phone. Win, win.

Since they were free and for the sake of my curiosity—

Let me know how you would use your 250 free cards.

Starvation and the Smell of Fear

So I changed my blog again. Mostly by mistake. No, I don’t like it. Yes, I’m to sleepy to change it back. (refer to previous post for sleep habits.) However, I can write like a normal person again. If I so choose. Yay options! But be prepared for it to change again, shortly.

As I stated in my previous post I started a new job and I’ve come to a conclusion. As a general rule of thumb I’m a rash person. Not so in this case. I’ve thought this one through. Considered the consequences, looked at the pros and cons, weighed my options, and have made the decision that I would rather starve then work there.

Today I cried. In front of people. On the phone. It took about two seconds for the only reason that I was crying to be out of sheer humiliation. I then had an epiphany—People who call me at work are just like my Vegas high schoolers. Only bigger. And with an alarming increase in tantrums.

I’d take Vegas high school any day over my current job. Not that I didn’t cry in Vegas but that was mostly from a combination of stress, lack of sleep, and ripping an entire sleeve off a favorite shirt. Yes, there were times I cried out of pure frustration at feeling unable to reach my students but I always had hope that the next day would be better. When I cried today it was with hopeless anguish that at least for the next month, till my government clearance goes through and I can trot off to Iraq, I will be forced to succumb to grown men and women throwing a tizzy fit and being unable to threaten them with so much as a trip to the deans or even worse a phone call home.

At least I work with a cute boy…

My Inner Child

I believe there is one way

in which every adult is still

A child.

Mine is sleep. 

I need a full 8 hours to be semi functional.

Unfortunately for my inner child,

I just started a new job.

Starting Time—7:30

A Typical Prework Morning

Alarm—6:37

**Groan**

Alarm—6:42

**Throw my phone**

Alarm—6:47

Look at my phone

and debate how long it will take me to

Brush my teeth, dress, eat.

**Doze off**

Alarm—6:55

(I refer to this alarm setting as my

“last chance to wake up” alarm)

Get up

Brush teeth, dress, grab banana

Time—7:06

Walk to work

Arrive—7:28

Yes, my inner child is suffering

Making me both moody and grumpy.

Today I almost snapped.

Then,

miraculously,

I fixed someone’s phone issue

And he promptly started singing

“You are the wind beneath my wings”.

Saving my bank acct. for one more day.

Next week scheduled start time-6:00

Curiosity Killed the Cat

Ever heard the expression

Curiosity killed the cat?

In the scenario

I would be

the cat.

Most recently curiosity convinced me to try

Jillian Michaels 7-Day Challenge.

How to:

60 oz. Water

1 Tbls. sugar-free Cranberry Juice

2 Tbls. Lemon Juice

1 Dandelion Root Tea Bag

Mix.

Hints that should have convinced me this was

a terrible idea

1. Dandelion Root

2. Dandelion Root-Promotes healthy liver function.

Have you ever eaten liver?

Me neither.

I have smelled it.

Anything that smells like that is

not to be trusted

or promoted.

3. Lose 5 lbs. “excess water weight”

It’s a conundrum.

How do you lose water weight by drinking more water?

Probably that tablespoon of Cranberry Juice.

4. Dandelion Root

So here I sit.

Drinking.

I keep opening the lid to see if it’s all gone.

Not even close.

Mexican Hot Tamale Craving Music

As of late

and by that statement I mean

as of always

something has been bothering me.

Drive straight into the Nevada desert.

Turn off main highway.

Drive farther.

Middle of nowhere.

The Spanish station is still crystal clear.

And you’re so far

in the middle of nowhere that your radio

doesn’t even work.

For those who are confused—

Not the Enrique Iglesias Spanish music.

I’m talking

the Mexican cantina

make you crave hot tamales

Spanish music.

Which makes me wonder—

Why?
How do they do it?

And most importantly,

what are all the good radio stations

—you know the ones people actually listen to—

doing??

Am I really supposed to believe that

Spanish stations have some secret technology

that allows them to broadcast to…

everywhere??

My solution.

Growl angrily at the radio.

Flip haphazardly through static.

Settle on Mexican hot tamale craving music.

5 second lapse.

Elect to drive in silence.

A Fridge List of Qualities

In the fall of 2007 there was a CES fireside.

The topic was marriage

and the qualities to look for in a spouse.

I did not actually attend this fireside.

Truth be told, I didn’t even watch it on T.V.

I was out actively evaluating spousal qualities.

Translation-I was with a boy.

My roommates however, were not.

They listened

and then decided to write these desirable qualities

on our apt. fridge.

A & I thought it would be nice to add

a few of our own chosen qualities.

They included things like—

Must be able to wrestle a bear.

With his eyes closed.

Or the capability and desire to make his own

sandwiches.

My roommates thought this list was incredibly

unfunny.

And erased it.

But as funny as they

didn’t find it

I think there were some good points on it.

As such I am rewriting—

The Fridge List of Desirable Qualities in a Man.

1. Must be able to wrestle a bear.

With his eyes closed.

Here is why.

Scenario.

We’re camping. Bear attack.

I mace the bear.

But miss

(because he is only a really huge, giant bear)

and hit my hubs.

In the eyes.

Now we’re dead.

False.

My husband is so cool he can fight a bear

with his eyes closed.

2. “All that I’m after is a life full of laughter.”

Life is so much better

when there is someone to laugh with.

3. Depthless curiosity.

4. Speaks another language.

Speaks to his kids in other language.

(Proven fact that this increases cognitive development

and my kids will probably need

every chance

they can get)

Does not speak to kids in other language about me.

5. Can fight a shark with one hand

tied behind his back.

Seriously though I don’t want to lose my husband to some

freak shark attack.

6. Sings.

Preferably like Josh Turner.

Preferably not like me.

7. Accepts the words I make up

and subsequently use on a daily basis.

8. “Let’s be adventurers.”

Lives this statement.

But in the non-pirate or creeper way.

9. Can outrun the wind.

While rocking a small child to sleep.

You just never know what situation might arise when

this quality will not only be important

but vital.

10. Starts water fights.

11. Will agree to live on a sailboat in the Mediterranean

for a minimum of “a short time”.

12. Must be able to grow facial hair.

The real kind.

Not the scraggly, patchy stuff.

I’m aware that this is not a complete list.

Yes, I know I didn’t mention

service, patience, integrity,

or a million other things I actually want in a husband.

That’s because this is a fake list.

Mostly.

I really would marry a man if he could wrestle a bear.

The Dummy's Guide to...

The heroine.

Awesome. Hilarious. Beautiful.

But most importantly

She leaves you feeling like a happier, more content individual.

Let’s call her A.

The Antagonist.

Redhead. Nice. Hopeless romantic.

But most importantly

Head over heels, crazy and madly, hopelessly in love with A.

Let’s call him Corey.

Current Status of A and Corey.

Not speaking. Not hanging out. Will not be dating.

How do you go from acquaintances with all

The possibilities of friendship in the future to

This complete and distant separation?

Let me explain.

How to successfully and completely estrange an individual

From wanting anything to do with you:

1. Lie to family, friends, their friends, total strangers

About every single aspect of your dating story.

Example.

Did you ever kiss A?

Yes.

When in reality you did not even cuddle, hold hands, and rarely hugged.

2. Tell boys/girls interested in your loved one that

You are in fact dating and very serious and have been for a long time.

Feign shock when they have no idea and are disgusted that

He/she agreed to a date.

3. Confess your undying love before, during, and after loved one tells you he/she has no feelings for you.

4. Insist they are wrong.

Insist they have deep, passionate feelings for you.

5. Tell them you know you are meant to marry him/her.

When he/she denies wanting to even date you insist that this is destiny,

The stars aligning.

6. Nickname him/her something that reminds you

Of fairy-tale love.

Like Topanga. From Boy Meets World.

7. Create a blog about Topanga.

Post pictures that way your nickname is completely obsolete and pointless.

8. Write poetry.

Gushy love poetry.

9. Come up with an arbitrary date months in the future.

Insist he/she promised to go on a date with you on that day.

Count down the days wistfully wishing for

The day you can see your loved one again.

10. Write blog posts’ insisting him/her having no feelings for you is

Just a phase he/she needs to overcome.

You, however, will never give up.

Use phrases like

“(Butterflies)”

Or

“She’s amazing and I just can’t give up. I can’t”

Easy, simple steps.

It worked for Corey and A

So it’ll work for you!

The Healing Properties of Ice Cream

An important lesson for boys:

Ice Cream heals all.

Literally.

An Example:

A boy broke up with me. I was ticked.

He asked me to hang out.

I said no.

He asked me on a date.

I said no.

He asked me to ice cream.

Done.

We got back together.

Also it’s practically impossible to eat ice cream and cry at the same time.

Don’t believe me?

Try it.

My favorite:

G’s Dairy

Double scoop-Huckleberry, Black Cherry-Waffle Cone.

It makes saving change during winter worth it.