Cash Monies and Dundees

I won a blogging award!

Pretty positive the Liebster Award is kind of like a Dundee—for bloggers.

Best Award Ever.

Mostly, I’m just irrationally excited because Erin from Non-fiction and Fabulous said and I quote “you are my favorite blogger”. Ermagersh!

So here goes with the required MySpace noteness in order to actually claim my award and did I hear $100 cash prize? Hmm?

The Liebster Award is for blogs that have 200 followers or less. The word “Liebster” is German for kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, valued, cute, pleasant, endearing, and welcome.

Here are the rules:

1. List 11 facts about yourself
2. Answer the 11 questions the blogger who nominated you left
3. Ask 11 new questions for those you nominate
4. Choose 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers to nominate
5. Go to each bloggers page and let them know about the award
6. Thank the person who nominated you and link back to their blog

11 Facts

1. Don’t wake me up.

2. I didn’t know I was moving to Afghanistan until I showed up for my first day of training in Germany. It was a rough first day.

3. I’ve recently revoked my hatred of mashed potatoes. But only on some days.

4. I cannot for the life of me understand how torrents work. Now that Limewire is no more I actually have to buy music.

5. I really like office supplies—pens, sticky notes, paper clips…

6. I have been gifted a dictionary. More than once.

7. My cell phone has an antenna. Heyoo third world countries! It’s legit.

8. My 6th grade school picture is disaster at its finest. When people are sad I show them this picture.

9. I hate being cold.

10. I hate winter. See #9 for reasons.

11. Throat drops are one of my favorite kinds of candy.   

Eran’s Questions

1. Describe your blog in one sentence. You may use a colon not unlike a nonfiction book title.

Sometimes, I think I’m funny and then I write it down.

2.Speaking of colons (not that one, you sicko), what is your favorite punctuation mark?

The dash.

I have a secret dream that if I die and someone compiles all my writings and they become “oh so famous” because I died, which is “oh so sad” that I will be known for using the dash. Like Emily Dickinson is for her capitalization or Shakespeare for his made up words or E.E. Cummings for his all out disregard for form. One day, English teachers will say and this author, she used the dash—all the time and in entirely incorrect places.

I suppose I should stop deleting all my writing.

3. What was the first animal you killed with your car?

I honestly am not sure and thus claim having never hit anything with my car. Except for a cow. But that’s a different story.

4. Which song do you dance to in the mirror when no one is home?


5. Favorite Transformer?

[Deep Gritty Man Voice]:


 Yea, yea he’s the bad guy—big deal when you have the best name ever!

6. You know when you think you're singing the right words to a song but then you find out that you were singing it wrong? Write those incorrect lyrics and let us laugh at you.

I sing just about every song incorrectly but I can’t think of a specific time that this has happened.

7. If one of your bones HAD to break, which one would you sacrifice?

My wrist. I previously broke it and due to my slight aversion to doctors, it has healed lumpy. By the time I saw a doctor, it had healed and then he volunteered—a bit to excitedly—to rebreak it in order to fix it. Can we all agree that doctors are sadists?

8. What do you REALLY want to be when you grow up?

A reader of books? A writer? Studier of etymology? Cool? I haven’t decided.

9. Name one thing you remember from high school biology. I dare you.

Mitochondria. Bam.  

10. Which phrase did/do you use to remember north, south, east, or west?

Mountains are to the west—what use is remembering the others?

11. What's your go to dance move? Attempt to describe it in words.

It’s like awkwardness tossed about in jagged spurts of spontaneity. Not so pretty.

My Questions

1. Doesn’t 11 seem like a hefty number of people to nominate?
2. What is your dream vacation?
3. According to WebMD, do you have any “conditions”?
4. Pen or Pencil?
5. Do you sing “L, M, N, O, P”?
6. If I had to hide a body, would you help me?
7. What is your favorite saying (i.e. Like white on rice!)?
8. What is your creative inspiration?
9. Did you cry the first time you watched the notebook?
10. Do you know the Wobble Dance?
11. Have you given up answering these yet?

Congratulations can be sent to ATTN: Jessica Flandro—jaykay you can’t have my real address. It’s OPSEC, people.

But really, thank you Erin for the wonderful award and everyone go read her blog—Non-Fiction and Fabulous—because she’s a lot funnier than me. 

My Nominees:

It's Cus I Can't Gleek

My biggest regret in the history of ever is not knowing how to gleek.

But seriously, some days I just want to spit on a person—sneaky like.

Don’t think I didn’t try to learn either. Back in 7th grade when all the cool kids could do it I would sit in front of my mirror and practice. I even googled “learn to gleek” videos. (Don’t do this.) And after a few sad and depressing months I didn’t give up either. No, after all it took me months and even years to learn other basic things so I just knew (know??) one day I would gleek.

A Few Basic Things That Took Me Forever to Do:

1. Tie my shoes
2. Whistle
3. Flare my nostrils
4. Pronounce my R’s

Yet this never (still hasn’t??) clicked. I’m gleekless.

A Million and One Ways My Life Could Be Improved by Gleeking Abilities:

1. Mean people
2. Guys that stare (this one is really only Afghanistan specific as men don’t stare otherwise) 
3. Sibling fights
4. Dumb waiters/waitresses
5. Boring meetings
6. Interviews when you just know you aren’t going to get the job

There are more but I’m sure you get the idea. I need to learn how to gleek!

Read about my “vacation” to Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan at

Dating Extraordinaire

Knowing I wouldn’t survive a return to Purevolume and since Limewire is no longer with us (RIP) if given the choice between Pandora and Facebook I would choose Pandora. My one and only complaint with the musical mastermind is the complete oddity of the ads. Seriously who is going to buy a $5.00 t-shirt because according to the ad “it is more cowboy-esque then a cowboy hat and some boots”? Utter nonsense.

Recently I heard a new one--featuring 250 free business cards from Vista Print. Sounds pretty normal, right? I agreed until I heard the sleek voiced VP man describe the many different ways to use said business cards, including as dating cards.

Now maybe in classier places the men folk give out cards to the women but in my world (granted a much smaller and somewhat normal world) the men simply ask for your number. So Vista Print, I ask, what is the motivation to create these cards? Are you targeting the timid and shy amongst our male population that struggle to grow a pair? Is it possible that these dating cards highlight a slew of great skills to lure women into dating the card giver? He gets your number and you get a 3.5 X 2 reason to answer the phone. Win, win.

Since they were free and for the sake of my curiosity—

Let me know how you would use your 250 free cards.

Starvation and the Smell of Fear

So I changed my blog again. Mostly by mistake. No, I don’t like it. Yes, I’m to sleepy to change it back. (refer to previous post for sleep habits.) However, I can write like a normal person again. If I so choose. Yay options! But be prepared for it to change again, shortly.

As I stated in my previous post I started a new job and I’ve come to a conclusion. As a general rule of thumb I’m a rash person. Not so in this case. I’ve thought this one through. Considered the consequences, looked at the pros and cons, weighed my options, and have made the decision that I would rather starve then work there.

Today I cried. In front of people. On the phone. It took about two seconds for the only reason that I was crying to be out of sheer humiliation. I then had an epiphany—People who call me at work are just like my Vegas high schoolers. Only bigger. And with an alarming increase in tantrums.

I’d take Vegas high school any day over my current job. Not that I didn’t cry in Vegas but that was mostly from a combination of stress, lack of sleep, and ripping an entire sleeve off a favorite shirt. Yes, there were times I cried out of pure frustration at feeling unable to reach my students but I always had hope that the next day would be better. When I cried today it was with hopeless anguish that at least for the next month, till my government clearance goes through and I can trot off to Iraq, I will be forced to succumb to grown men and women throwing a tizzy fit and being unable to threaten them with so much as a trip to the deans or even worse a phone call home.

At least I work with a cute boy…

My Inner Child

I believe there is one way
in which every adult is still
A child.
Mine is sleep. 

I need a full 8 hours to be semi functional.
Unfortunately for my inner child,
I just started a new job.
Starting Time—7:30
A Typical Prework Morning
**Throw my phone**
Look at my phone
and debate how long it will take me to
Brush my teeth, dress, eat.
**Doze off**
(I refer to this alarm setting as my
“last chance to wake up” alarm)
Get up
Brush teeth, dress, grab banana
Walk to work
Yes, my inner child is suffering
Making me both moody and grumpy.
Today I almost snapped.
I fixed someone’s phone issue
And he promptly started singing
“You are the wind beneath my wings”.
Saving my bank acct. for one more day.
Next week scheduled start time-6:00

Curiosity Killed the Cat

Ever heard the expression
Curiosity killed the cat?
In the scenario
I would be
the cat.
Most recently curiosity convinced me to try
Jillian Michaels 7-Day Challenge.
How to:
60 oz. Water
1 Tbls. sugar-free Cranberry Juice
2 Tbls. Lemon Juice
1 Dandelion Root Tea Bag
Hints that should have convinced me this was
a terrible idea
1. Dandelion Root
2. Dandelion Root-Promotes healthy liver function.
Have you ever eaten liver?
Me neither.
I have smelled it.
Anything that smells like that is
not to be trusted
or promoted.
3. Lose 5 lbs. “excess water weight”
It’s a conundrum.
How do you lose water weight by drinking more water?
Probably that tablespoon of Cranberry Juice.
4. Dandelion Root

So here I sit.
I keep opening the lid to see if it’s all gone.
Not even close.

Mexican Hot Tamale Craving Music

As of late
and by that statement I mean
as of always
something has been bothering me.
Drive straight into the Nevada desert.
Turn off main highway.
Drive farther.
Middle of nowhere.
The Spanish station is still crystal clear.
And you’re so far
in the middle of nowhere that your radio
doesn’t even work.
For those who are confused—
Not the Enrique Iglesias Spanish music.
I’m talking
the Mexican cantina
make you crave hot tamales
Spanish music.
Which makes me wonder—
How do they do it?
And most importantly,
what are all the good radio stations
—you know the ones people actually listen to—
Am I really supposed to believe that
Spanish stations have some secret technology
that allows them to broadcast to…
My solution.
Growl angrily at the radio.
Flip haphazardly through static.
Settle on Mexican hot tamale craving music.
5 second lapse.
Elect to drive in silence.

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